Cleaning Out and Moving In

As I sit here and look at my life, I am amazed at how happy I am. My conception of ‘normal’ now is what most people would consider ‘overjoyed’. But it’s interesting what happens when you take the risky choices in life that have you doing what you want to do every day.

The level of development I have had over the last month is one completely new to me. All my life I let my perception of myself decide what I was capable of doing. Occasionally I would set a goal that was like throwing a hat over a wall and not knowing how to go get it- but the basic things in life always stayed the same to keep me feeling a sense of security.

So this year I did something different. I sat down with 3 friends I admire for their business savvy and personal strength, and hashed out my business with them. The business I hesitantly started because other people told me I was capable, even though I never believed it myself. Somehow having a support network of such amazing people became my sense of security- and all of the circumstances in my life were now free to play with and change. 

As if by magic, my life started to fall into place. In a way I never thought possible. And I realize every day that the only thing standing in my way this whole time was myself.

For 4 years I was in love. Like head-over-heels, couldn’t stop thinking about it kind of love. The lifestyle of this love was written all over my typed goals, and I accommodated all of my life’s plans around it. But what I came to realize this year is you can’t love something 30% and think it’s enough. When it comes to love, it’s all or nothing.

And so it’s no wonder I stayed single all these years- dabbling in the thought of a long-term relationship with some of the men I met, but never truly committing. I was in love with something else that left no room for life or men or personal goals. I was in love with my job.

I hear people talk about ending relationships for no real reason except that it’s not perfect, and I had experienced that to some extent with men, but never with a love like this one. Admitting that I didn’t want to be in the career I had worked toward for 4 years felt more like a breakup than anything I have ever felt before. And like so many downtown couples, I now am still living in the same space until I can find something more suited for me and move out.

But a funny thing happened as I started to let go of this big love in my life. An amazing man walked in. Like I always say, if you are still using old brain patterns, you can’t make new ones. Same goes for love, I guess. Our life is a space too small to fill up with the wrong things. Make a little room for the right ones, and they just show up.