see saw.

My life (or life in general) has a certain yin-and-yang to it. A battle of left vs. right brain. It is the coercion of these two opposites that we call balance. Not a compromise which leaves both sides without what they want. Balance is where both are fulfilled and living in harmony. 

I call my two sides urban vs. hippie. Time away from writing usually means I’m in an urban mode of doing and I forget to sit back and gain perspective. Conversely, the hippie side means a whole lot of talk and no action. And lately it seems urban girl has been running the show.

Getting wrapped up in the holidays was something I swore wouldn’t happen to me this year. Problem is that I was too busy in November to set myself up for December properly. So now the pendulum has swung to the urban side and I am feeling out of touch with what I really desire to be as a person in this world. 

Today I was lucky to be gifted a space of deep reflection. While photographing a memorial yoga class, I tapped into a deeper level of perspective than I have felt in a few weeks. It was the perfect blend of urban hippie balance; working and yoga at the same time. I felt a pull on the reins mid-class, and all of the left brain patterns I had been riding changed course. It was the right time, doing the right work, in the right space to make me see.

I have worked so hard the last few months on creating new habits and formations in my brain which have delivered some pretty miraculous results. Starting my own business. Disappearing my debt. Feeling truly responsible and self-confident for the first time in my life. Then a good ol’ brain pattern jumped right in and took over like it owned the place; I started to feel like I didn’t deserve any of it.

But a really funny thing happens when you realize that these experiences are merely brain science. All of the judgements of which is right and which is wrong float away. Of all my learnings this year, that has to be the most enlightening realization of them all.

For most people, how the world occurs in the moment can feel chaotic. Emotional. Overwhelming to say the least. And we wouldn’t say that in hindsight everything is 20/20 if a little perspective weren’t healthy and delivering of lessons. Knowing that pain and emotion don’t actually exist in the body, but are merely a manifestation of the mind, our relationship with how something feels changes- the emotion no longer is the truth. The brain pattern is what's true. Knowing this makes it easier to turn things around. And a yoga class doesn’t help to activate the switch either...

Saturn strikes back.

Ok friends, forgive my diversion from science for one post and let me indulge the hippie side of me.

I learned a few things today. I learned about throat chakras, I learned about crystals, I learned about a little father planet called Saturn, and I learned of his impending return in our late twenties. 

According to astrology, age 29 brings what feels like the opportunity for a new phase of our lives. For the first time, the planets are aligned in exactly the same place as when we were born. This is called the Saturn Return; and it has been perceived in past cultures as a doomsday image that forces us to see how short life really is (so that we kick ourselves in the ass and start doing things for a change). Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so too... just a little like the tone of this entire blog. No surprise that my Saturn Return was in October 2011. 

We can't deny that we are connected to our surroundings; the oceans and water patterns are all affected by the alignment of the earth. Given that we are made up of 72% water, it’s reasonable to guess it might have an effect on us as humans.

There is no science to predict why we connect to the things we do; in nature, in other people, in art. Perhaps it is based on brain patterns we have already developed that tells us what is beautiful or desirable. Or maybe it is the connection of living things through the energetic force of life. Whichever you choose to believe, it happens. And for the record, I am a little bit of column A, and a little bit of column B.

But isn’t that what it is all about? If we believe something, then we are capable of seeing things in a whole new perspective. We filter out things not in line with our thought system and selectively remember those that are. This is the power that has us continue toward a goal, regardless of whether that goal is based in love, religion, spirituality, or science.

I have noticed this week just how much I cater how I act to please others around me. At times I will drop even what I know to be right, just to appease the minds of others and look good. This traces back to childhood, and at this point has become a nuisance I am desperate to rid myself of.  

What is obvious now is that knowing why doesn’t matter. My obsession with understanding things often holds me back from doing anything about them. And if this blog has taught me anything, it’s that actions create new brain patterns- not understanding. I can understand how a car works to no end, but until I actually put my foot to the pedal I cannot actually learn to drive.

So knowing this, why should it matter what gets you to action? Regardless, we learn to act- and our actions keep our brains alive, keep us learning.

It’s taken this long for me to discover the things I love. And one of those loves is for all things wholi granoli. What I need to learn now is how to be self expressed in this area in a way that speaks to me and inspires others, yet also satisfies the cynic in me.

So here’s how I will see it. Actions are the impact we have on the world, and I intend to act consistent with what I want to create in this world. My integrity is number one. As for what inspires me and motivates me? Well, that’s the warm fuzzy stuff. The crystals, the chakras, the energy. That is the faith that keeps my integrity going.

Eat that, Saturn.

food for thought.

This research has had me questioning things I haven’t considered for some years. The mind/body connection is one that I discussed to no end in university, and I find myself tempted to blow the dust off some of my old books and see how those old theories apply to my life and perspective now.

I regard my personal development as a ‘mind’ path; meaning the changes I make are in thought, as opposed to changes that take place in the material world. But how connected is my mind to my body? I know that with hip opening postures in yoga, emotions arise that I couldn’t generate with thought alone. And the way that I eat also has a huge affect on how I feel and react. Eat more nutritious foods and life becomes easier. Eat a bag of chips and you feel like a sack of shit. Yet so many of us act like this isn’t the case, even though we suspect it is.

Happiness has been a topic on my mind this week. I saw a documentary that over 5 years examined our need in North America to be happy, and asked whether the resources we often use to gain happiness have any affect at all. Turns out (surprise, surprise), winning the lottery and shopping does not grant us long-term happiness. And even more, people who have been through traumatic events have a greater chance of being happy than those who have had it pretty good. Why? Well because we develop brain patterns of recovery through such experiences so that in the future, even the smallest of hiccups are easily overcome.

So why do we as a species indulge in patterns of behaviour which have the opposite effect from what we want? According to Daniel Gilbert, it’s because our recent generations have developed a part of our brain we never had before. The pre-frontal cortex (located in the reward-system part of the brain called the frontal lobe) allows us to predict how we think things will turn out. And no one in their right mind would predict that a car accident would lead you to be happier than hitting the jackpot in Vegas.

I started this project of re-training my brain in an effort to connect my actions to long-term consequences. It seems this pre-frontal cortex was what caused my problems to begin with. I would visualize scenarios and choose the one I felt like doing more. It led to a fun life, but not a very productive one.

 In researching and training my brain these last few months, I have discovered some dramatic changes in myself already. When I ordered my coffee at the little neighbourhood cafe today, I contemplated whether eating the scone I wanted so badly would be worth the stomach ache and brain fog it would inevitably cause later on in the day. Once I caught myself in this thought pattern, it occurred to me how quickly I have developed. And I have noticed this growth even more on the weeks where I eat the foods that are right for me.

One particular superfood I have been eating has made a huge impact on my cravings. Initially I expected these cravings to be food-related, but the biggest difference I notice now is my lack of craving to shop. That’s right, the ultimate female indulgence... gone. I have even tested myself by going into my favourite stores to see if I am tempted to buy things that months ago I wanted so badly. But a strange thing has happened; I no longer want more than what I have. I feel fulfilled and excited by the things I already own, instead of the previously felt desire to consume more.

Could it be that this superfood gives my body the nutrients it needs so much that my cravings are unnecessary? Are we so malnourished as a nation that we crave things beyond even basic nutrition? Perhaps our pre-frontal cortex developed as a reaction to processed and chemically-treated foods that are rampant across North America and actually feed us very little. It seems logical that if a body is not receiving all of the nutrients it needs, it would constantly be in a form of craving, thus activating this ‘what if’ machine in our brains. Could it really be that empty foods create consumers?

By this thought pattern, we consume because we are hungry, and we make better decisions when we are not. A trip to the grocery store at dinnertime could have told me that- but I never would have thought it stretched into my never ending wardrobe.

Of course, we all develop differently and will crave different things through this process. For some, it’s sex. For others, it’s food. This whole consumption-hunger problem could be the one simple idea that solves so much for so many. Feed your brain the right foods and you could potentially cut your problems in half.

I guess I have some gratitude and love to send my nutritionist’s way... and some smart shopping to do.

the "i" word

A couple of huge subjects have been lingering on my mind this week, dying to get out and onto black and white. The first: Integrity. The second: Love.

Today I’m going to talk integrity in hopes to clear the path of learning about love. (of which I’m still knee-deep in research. People love talking about that one)

In my last seminar we talked a lot about miracles and how to cause them. Sounds like a tall order. One of the ‘tools’ we were taught to use to cause the miraculous was integrity. Given that integrity is not something I consider myself particularly 'good; at, I ignored this little fact and went on my merry path hoping and wishing for miracles to happen to me (without actually doing the work to get them). Surprise surprise, nothing happened.

What I did start to see is that I give up who I am a lot of the time in order to meet an end. I would cater my personality to who was around me, and let go of the only thing I really have control over in this world; my word.

I had never been firm on being myself all the time until a few months ago. Then a funny thing happened. As I started to act more myself, I began to love my life more. 

Rewriting my goals the other week cleared something else up for me. I just want to coach and develop people all day long. My life would be rich and full and happy if I could do this constantly. But what would it take for this to happen? Quite simply I would have to manage myself... yeah, not something I’m great at. Doing things for others is a cinch. Doing things for myself? Not so much.

So what to do? Give up this goal, of course. Wait...that doesn’t sound right. Yet that is precisely how I have been acting, which might explain the lack of miracles happening in my life.

When I wrote down these goals, I immediately noticed the vast difference between what I wanted to do versus what I was doing right now. There was a clear to-do list I needed to start working on yesterday. And at the top of that list was talking to those in my life about what I wanted (can’t do it alone, you know?). First on the list was my manager. And a funny little thing happened when I checked that one off. Some might call it a miracle.

That afternoon my company held a conference call on integrity hosted by Brian Tracy himself. He said two things that blew my mind:

1) Integrity is not a core value; it’s the fundamental principle that allows you to live your core values, and

2) To live with integrity, all you have to do is Take Responsibility, and Tell the Truth

It hit me that the only time I fear the truth is when something I really want is at risk. Noticing what you lie about is a way of finding out where your next life challenge is.

This week I scheduled a staycation which was to be devoted to helping my mom move. But before you can take care of others, you need to take care of yourself. So on Wednesday and Thursday I am working for me; going through all of the to-do lists I wrote down in my 2011 agenda, and finding those lost items that never got checked off. This will be my work for two days. Clean up the forgotten bits of this year in an effort to pave the path of the future.

This is a scary task for me, but I have been thinking about fear a lot lately. The things we are most proud of in life often come from overcoming fears, and it's a choice to see fear as crippling. If you truly commit yourself to living your wildest dreams, then fear becomes merely an easy tool to help identify what there is next to accomplish.

As humans, we create a sense of ‘self’ based on our actions from the past. In order to create a new vision for who you could be, sometimes it takes showing yourself what you are capable of first. In September I took on being responsible to prove to myself I could handle money and finances. In October I took on my health to show my mind that I could be proactive and live a consistently healthy life. In November I have shown myself what it means to be truly me all of the time. December will be about learning to work for myself so I accomplish the things I want to, instead of just what others call on me for. 

These are all new brain patterns for me, and with the completion of each development phase, I inevitably see the next phase reveal itself. I can’t wait to see what’s next. 

the battle.

Lately all I feel when I wake up is a craving for creativity. My head is buzzing like Toronto traffic with ideas and a need to express them. I would love nothing more than to sleep, make wonderful food, and work on my projects all day long. In the past my level of self motivation has been minimal and now all of a sudden I have a desire to work for myself.

Walking with a friend today, I learned about toddlers. At that age, the right side (or creative side) of their brains is so dominant that it overcomes any of the left-brain logic when it gets overwhelmed. It’s the reason they throw tantrums when they get frustrated; all order is gone, and it feels like chaos to them. This apparently happens to us as adults as well, only to a lesser degree.

I feel such a battle occurring inside of me today. On one hand, my right brain cravings have me spending all of my spare time searching for information and inspiration to fuel my writing, photography and community projects. It’s all I want to do. On the left-brain side of things, I am somewhat terrified slash convinced that you can’t make money being an artist. And that part makes me want to give it all up. 

I have spent the last few months strengthening my left-brain logic. Learning to take care of finances and be responsible has led me to a more conscious and less impulsive way of life. It’s the muscle that holds me back from fully giving into temptation.

While this development has been so crucial for me to live, the right-brain side of things is starving for an outlet. The good news? This outlet is no longer over-spending on clothes and shopping. The bad news? I’m faced with a new desire in life that is raging and growing faster than I ever could have expected.

Twice today I got coaching that I have been holding back and I need to let it go. I want that more than I want to eat candy (and I love candy). But where is the balance? When is it right to let your creative side off the leash? And moreover, how do you know when to scale it back?

one small thought.

Today is not a day where I have time to write all of the things I want to write that are in my head.

So I will leave you all with just this...

There are people in your life who can support you, love you, be what you need for every circumstance. Even though it would be easy to be alone and tough it out, put that aside and lean into those who love you. Your whole world can change through those moments. 

perfect little girl.

This week while cleaning my apartment top to bottom, I was reminded that my integrity is directly related to how I feel about myself. When I’m on top of things, I am confident and happy and feel like I can do anything. When my laundry sits around for a week or two without being folded, I feel like a failure.

My attachment to being ‘perfect’ is what makes me unhappy here. And it shows up in different places. When I eat candy, I feel awful about myself, which makes me crave more candy for comfort. This is what leads me to live in extremes a lot of the time. I feel like I can make no exceptions because when I do, it’s all downhill from there.

One sock on the floor, and my apartment will look like shit in 2 days. The exception breaks the rule.

The question is, what is the pattern I need to break here? Is it that I must train myself to be clean? Or is it that I have to stop relating to myself as someone who notoriously gives up? My instinct tells me it’s the latter.

I woke up this morning buzzing with things to write about. So many ideas flowing through my head and so little time to get them all down on paper (well, internet). De-cluttering my apartment seems to have created the space for new ideas to flow in. Like any other creative person, I need to clean off my desk before I can get to work. 

If every day could start off with the clean slate I have right now, life would be a lot easier. Giving up on good habits is definitely a pattern I am committed to breaking. 

So my homework for this weekend is: 

1) Write a list of things I notoriously ‘give up’ on

2) Over the next month, pick one per week to not give up.

3) Notice if I relate to myself differently

It's a good start, right? Well at the very least it won't be a scramble to clean every time I invite someone over. A victory in itself.

when i grow up, i will be happy

Being that personal development is a hobby of mine, I have always been aware of when I’m not happy and looked for ways to shift my mind state into one that was more productive.

There is no doubt that our emotion is affected by the ‘outside world’ and the things we interact with. Being kissed by someone you really like no doubt will leave you smiling for the rest of the day. But since our happiness relies so much on things beyond our control, it leads to instincts of blame when things do not make us happy. What if we should turn that finger-pointing around? What if although we are affected by the circumstances around us, the feelings we respond with are our own responsibility?

Kinda makes complaining useless then, doesn’t it...

Consider that it’s not the world’s problem. That things will happen, regardless of our interaction with them. Some we will like, some we will not. But the expectation that we should always be perfect and/or happy is one that only we create.

What I have learned from my recent read is that there will never come a time where we are consistently and effortlessly happy like in the movies. I have always known that was a lie, but still secretly hoped for this illusion to come true.  If nothing else, the massive ‘self-help’ section of each bookstore indicates that I am not the only one struggling with this false expectation.

So what if we all let go?

My aim lately is to learn simple tools that give me confidence to go with the flow of life. I can’t change things. I can only be a different person through them. It’s no longer helpful to try and change things when I feel unhappy, then coast by when things perk up again. That leads me to a consistently inconsistent life, and keeps me from accepting things or being who I am.

My request to all of you today is to thank your rough patch. Give it a nod of the head, and see your feelings about it as your own choice of reaction. Mine today was lugging my laundry downstairs only to find someone using up all of the machines. Not worth ruining the great day I am having, right?

I guess I've got to give it up or let me go...

the birth of modern phrenology.

The only thing that’s constant in life is change. And that is more true than you know. Or at least more true than I knew when I entered 2011 armed with the vision of something different for myself. 

A few months ago, I hit a turning point. Having taken on new challenges in 2011, my old habits no longer worked in my new life. As I approached the big 3-0, things started to appear differently to me. Going out on weekends to ‘escape’ left me feeling tired, not re-energized. Ignoring bills was never going to buy me my own home. Doing what I 'wanted' could no longer take priority. I had to make a shift.

Then as if by magic, I stumbled upon a magazine article that changed my perspective. It spoke of the frontal lobe of our brains and how it controlled our impulses. We develop this part of our brains most in our late teens and early twenties; the sole reason why the drinking age in the states is 21. This coming to me after a 4-day binge drinking weekend while on a vacation where I accidentally spent all of my rent money. 

Perfect.

So I did a little research to find out if all hope was lost after my early years of drinking until all hours. Turns out, we are much more plastic than we think. Modern brain science has made a huge shift lately and is starting to realize that our brains are quite liquid in terms of development. You can actually train a brain at any age to create neuropathways that never existed before. Even more remarkable is that people who have damaged the part of their brain designated to certain processes can re-train other parts of their brain to take over those processes.

This theory is called Neuroplasticity, and it suggests that our brain is ever changing, and more capable of learning at any age than ever previously thought possible.

You know how when you decide to buy a new car, you see the model you want everywhere? The same happened with my new little theory. I started finding friends re-training themselves to let go of difficult control habits. Brain-training books and websites seemed to jump out at me everywhere I went, and with everyone I spoke to.

A new project was born. Modern Phrenology.

You know Phrenology. The old study of the shape and size of the head as a supposed indication of character and mental ability. A once-scientific study, turned circus act, turned oldschool myth.

One thing I love about this idea is how our brains were the focus; it had us thinking about how this organ is at the center of our capabilities. Knowing what I now do, I want to modernize this focus a little to accommodate my recent learnings.

So I created Modern Phrenology- my take on a practical focus of exercising my brain in order to improve life and accomplish otherwise difficult goals. See it as a tool I am using to accomplish what I never thought possible; to develop new habits that will make my life run smoother and easier. 

I have a passion for helping people to remove the emotional barriers we humans create for ourselves that keep us playing safe and never taking any risks in life. I instantly fell in love with the idea that we can train our brains to think a different way, like how we train our bodies to act differently. It gives hope that anything is possible.

In this blog, I will share my path. Failures and successes. Holding nothing back in an effort to inspire others to take on their lives as well. This is what I want to bring to the world.